Billy Magnum
by Uncle Noobtube
Summary: Two men are raised from isolation to witness the true extent of the world around them.
1. The Salmon, the Rifle, and the Leaf

The snapping of a twig heralded his arrival in the eastern region of Stanthemanistan. He was born in this country on the western coast. Stanthemanistan was founded by Stan the Man, who the locals thought was the man with plan. Stan the Man lived at the bottom of the Great Hill, a veritable acropolis representing the strife the country had overcome in its relatively short history. Stan the Man was the brother to the Brotherman Bill, who lived at the top of the hill.

There was also Terrible Tim, who preached the words of Brotherman Bill and was the only being who could see the Brotherman Bill in person. Many say that Bill is merely a hallucination of Tim, a mark of permanent damage to his frontal lobe from all the drugs he did. Although others believe that Tim himself could not convey such insight into running the nation. In such a case, Brotherman Bill is thought of as a specter, or perhaps a remnant from the age of gods among men. Stan the Man has never spoken of Bill's identity, and prefers to keep it that way.

The eastern region of Stanthemanistan had been quarantined off for decades, not because of disease mind you, but because of the grip of a certain faction that transformed the region into an unmanageable warzone. The man cared not for this quarantine. He cared not for the harsh punishment that he may face. Nor did he care for the unpredictable and many times irrationally savage individuals that inhabited this once prosperous land. He had, for all intensive purposes, a grand reason for being there.

Vertical curtains of light shot through the mantis green canopies as the sun positioned itself at the top of the sky. Birds chirped in their harmonious tones, unaware of camouflaged hawks hidden amongst the warm leaves of the forest. The man, clad in a steel-gray robe, caught the eye of these birds and the hawk thus feasted heartily that day. He wasn't particularly bad looking and was somewhat muscular. He had green eyes and brown hair. His robes bore a complex and branching pattern of markings.

With an imposing posture, the man walked along a calm brook. The water in the brook was clear and a salmon swam upwards through the shallow water with incredible grace. The man could not help but smile. "How magnificent it is to see such determination even in the pure and glistening waters of this here brook," the man thought aloud. The salmon continued the pilgrimage upstream as an adjacent bush began to shake violently. The ground did as well, to a lesser extent. Out came a crazed brown bear at a hulking 9 feet, foam cascading from its jowls like Aphrodite rising from the sea. In one frightening leap the raging goliath plunged its tempered, muscular arms into the brook. He tore the salmon in half, flailing his head about as strips of entrails escaped out of his mouth and rained upon the innocent woodlands like confetti. Bloody mist filled the air and the stench of it could only be described as the smell of screams. The bear ripped a perfect rectangle of fur from his upper chest, exposing both of his erect nipples and shrieked like a banshee. The man was snapped in place, incapable of moving a muscle as if the testosterone emitted by the fuzzy icon of destruction was like a neurotoxin. The man finally regained motor function of his jaw and spoke: "And how terrifying it is to witness the unforgiving improbabilities that our mindless universe of ordered chaos and chaotic order feasts upon."

The bear looked upon him, once again suspending the awestruck man in paralysis. Blood, to which shreds of gallbladder (oddly enough more than any other organ) suspended itself in, fell in crimson droplets to the dry ground and left a foreboding clue to what had transpired here. The bear's demeanor was no longer of blazing fuckrage, but of a peculiar inquisitiveness. "You speak of existence and of the danger that the sentient face daily on this world, but your purpose in these woodlands, I sense, is far more mundane," the bear spoke.

"You would be correct behemoth, my purpose is mundane," the man replied, "I await the meeting of a mysterious man whose initials are B.B., I requested him by letter for a task to which the details I only wish for him to know."

The bear nodded, smiled, and spoke once more. "Not every self-aware being is a human. You have found him. Reveal me your identity and I shall reciprocate."

The man raised an eyebrow and assembled his response. "I am the super sorcerer known to my colleagues as Billy Magnum. I am a former professor of witchcraft at Hogwarts, but I was... fired, for an unjust reason.

The bear, his conditions satisfied, declared his identity. "I am Brother Berenstain, the last surviving descendent of the Berenstain clan, and a legend among those who have met me. Now, sadly, in hiding after mercenaries executed my family."

Billy Magnum was perplexed, "Mercenaries?"

"Mercenaries," Berenstain darkened. "Reputation brings mixed responses, mine brought negatives and only negatives."

"I do not know what you mean."

"I'm a curious bear, my inquisitive nature brought heat my way. I messed with a man in power, and this man happened to have a lot of connections. I'll continue this conversation some other time. But now we must pursue our current goal, I assume it's an important quest you've embarked on if you had to go out of your way to find me."

Rustling, leaves displaced and drifted to the floor. A flock of birds darted from their perches and disappeared above the canopy. The only thing left was tense silence, both figures stood stoic. Something was moving through the bushes, they realized that something was actually a chain of multiple figures circling their position within the ring of bushes. Slowly they rose from their positions, the already dark silhouettes draped with shade.

The duo began to square up, bracing for a fight but what they got was a small gang of Druids. They came dancing out of the bushes, barefoot and dressed in green rags; shaking maracas and playing flutes made from bamboo. Then without warning, gunfire. Bullets raged through the air like furious spirits. A geyser of grey matter erupted from the frontmost druid, prompting the two to seek cover behind a tree. The druids themselves ran to no avail. All were mowed down in seconds, and those who did not succumb immediately to their wounds pleaded for an end to the madness. But the shadows disagreed, and instead increased the volume of fire. In the next moment, all the druids were lifeless. Yet the shadows continued to saturate the air with whizzing projectiles. Billy Magnum looked to Brother Berenstain, who looked to Billy Magnum. Brother Berenstain was calm; he was familiar with this situation.

But in the next moment, had a pained expression. Beads of blood trickled forth from Berenstain's pelt. His arm had been hit. In fact, the entire right half of his body was still exposed. Berenstain simmered with internal rage before another round landed just above his hip bone. In response, Berenstain, still set on Billy Magnum, made the canopies shake with a great and thunderous roar. Billy Magnum, ears ringing and face covered in saliva, fell to the ground. Brother Berenstain lifted the boulder and held it at chest level and sprinted towards the gunfire. Panicked, the shadows focused their fire on the center of the boulder. Anti-material rounds were set forth and shattered the boulder into shards of semi-sharp stone.

Brother Berenstain made a great leap into the air and fell feet first onto one of the shadows. With a great boom, viscera spewed in all directions and coated the shadows with crimson, a color that had been with them for all their lives. Berenstain lunged at another and bit into its head. Berenstain chewed and noted the texture before plunging his great claws into the chest of another shadow and unspooled its intestines. Berenstain's claws plunged into more shadows and unspooled their intestines as well until they were all screaming, convulsing, or petrified on the ground. Berenstain then threw these unfortunate many into the air where their intestines wrapped around the tree branches and they resumed their descent into death.

Billy Magnum, head throbbing, regained his footing and gathered his surroundings. Noting the end of the gunfire, and the heavy breathing of Brother Berenstain, Billy Magnum ran to the two figures. One's head had been squashed like a pumpkin; the other had half of its head missing. Yet the shadowy aura remained over where the body had not been harmed. Billy Magnum realized then that it was a material, not an aura. It is the simplest means of hiding the attacker's identity and to prevent them being tracked with their own biometric data. Billy Magnum ripped the material from the body of the headless figure to reveal a full combat outfit. A logo was emblazoned on the right upper arm of the outfit which read "Cockwater."

"Cockwater," Billy Magnum repeated. He looked over his shoulder to see Berenstain towering over him.

"The attack was orchestrated by the ruthless American private war-machine, Cockwater. The goal of this sinister corporation is to deal out circumcision to the highest bidder," Berenstain explained, "and they aren't even good at circumcision."

"Regardless, their presence means you're not safe here anymore." A trickle of blood landed on Billy Magnum's cheek and prompted him to look upwards. His eyes met with the cloaked body of another mercenary. Billy Magnum felt grateful he did not have to see his face, to know the emotions he felt at the last moment of his life. But it still warranted the question. "Berenstain, what have you done?"

"I left a message. Do not feel sorry for them, Magnum. They are murderers, rapists, and pillagers fully conscious of their actions. I am merely playing the part of nature, culling a blight upon its domain and leaving an example for what would come in its place."

"I… perhaps. I'm going to search the bodies."

Billy kneeled over the corpses; the stench hit him as the breeze picked up. Shreds of flesh and a thick layer of blood mixed with pulpy remains of flesh caked the dirt, soaking it and forming a mud. He adjusted his weight in order to not sink into it, turning over the remains of the Mercenaries he found only money and ammunition. They were all equipped with Imbel manufactured FAL clones, cheaper than the originals but not lacking in the desired quality. Half of the rifles had been snapped in half or damaged beyond function from Brother Berenstain's incomprehensible fuckrage. Once again he heard the snapping of twigs accompanied by the sudden rustling of leaves. He pulled a Browning HP from the holster of the nearest corpse, a single bush parted to reveal a single scout. He had nearly enough time to relax before Billy put a single round dead center in his forehead. He looted his corpse as well, to find a rather odd looking FAL slung around his back.

Billy Magnum investigated the firearm, as Berenstain lifted the limp corpse of the mercenary scout and tossed him well above the canopy with a single swift movement and a flick of the wrist. The impact was heard minutes later, as well as the shrill shriek of a wandering Druid being crushed. Druids are known for having exceptionally bad luck.

At a glance, the rifle resembled the FAL battle rifle. But there were some notable differences. There was no charging handle; instead a release for the barrel took its place. The diameter of the bore was smaller and the barrel was not rifled. The magazine was much shorter, and had a symbol for radioactivity painted on it. On releasing the magazine, Billy Magnum peered into it, and discovered there were no cartridges. Instead, a miniature fusion reactor met his eye. He checked the markings on the body. It was an Imbel FALL HPC. Billy Magnum ushered for Berenstain.

"They may not be the most skilled mercenaries, but they are certainly well armed."

"It's just an FAL, that's nothing."

"Wrong Berenstain, this is a FALL HPC. Hyperspace projection cannon. A ghost rifle. Fires fucking Ghosts. Ghost bullets. It's the single most advanced step in modern firearms technology, other than the French Penetrator. But that gun only serves to make me feel uncomfortable."

"Does it still work?"

Billy Magnum reattached the magazine and fired off a burst of three rounds into the forest. All three of which hit a single wandering deer and nearly disintegrated the animal, the sound of it's flesh sublimating echoing through the trees. Bambi is dead. Billy Magnum pulled the release for the barrel and slid it out of the weapon. A greenish gel-like substance coated the beginning of the barrel and the chamber of the rifle. With a firm shake, the substance dropped out of the weapon. "There's one downside to this type of weapon. Fire it for too long, and hypermatter builds up and jams the weapon."

"Hypermatter, Billy?"

"Ectoplasm. Don't worry, it doesn't do any harm. It's entirely inert. Eventually, it fades back into hyperspace when it loses the energy it absorbed from the firing of the weapon. How are your wounds?"

"Superficial. But..." Berenstain glanced down at his chest, where the fur covering his nipples had been ripped off. "I feel a breeze."

Billy Magnum nodded, and glanced at the mercenaries' uniforms. "Perhaps a well placed bandolier would resolve your issue?"

Billy turned around to see Berenstain draped in a poncho made from human skin. "Wait, what did you say?"

Billy stood silent, expressionless. Seeing the horror, smothered with blood, hairs, and membrane draped over Berenstain. His fur glazed with the remains of fat mixed with blood. Shit was metal as fuck. He wiped globs of unidentified gore off of his claws and progressed into the forest. "Let's walk and talk."

Billy Magnum, shuddering, stood up and slung the rifle over his back, and promptly vomited the entire content of his stomach down to the very last trickle of bile. He then spent another few minutes dry heaving before he was able to erect himself again, the sudden return to violence sending a wave of shock down his system. He let the uneasy tingle run down his spine before taking a deep breath and following Berenstain. Whether Billy Magnum liked it or not, he was back in the game. As he walked he swore he could see the orange glare of fire encroaching onto his peripheral vision, he did a double take to see only the forest around him. The faint crackle of fire buzzed in his ears.

Berenstain's enormous weight was enough to give any merc a clear idea of where the duo was headed, his silhouette would be visible through the trees and brush, but he had no worries. He had already proven that his thick pelt and leathery skin could absorb massive amounts of trauma. The wounds had already scabbed over. "What does your plan entail, Billy? I'm still in the dark with your motives and wish to know what I'm getting into before I'm knee deep in shit once again. My actions might show that I enjoy violence but I truly am revolted by the concept, I'm just a slave to my subconscious like any sentient being. I can't help my bear instincts."

Billy felt something jostle around in his robe, a miniscule spec sliding down his back. He shook his robe and out came a molar and a shard of another tooth. Once again he felt chills creep down his spine. "I cannot function knowing that our domain is infested with intolerable creatures such as the ones I'm about to guide you to. Ahead, within these tangles of trees and suffocating clumps of tense brush is the Hidden Leaf village. They are a festering collective of degeneracy that I have viewed as a viable source of young prospects. They might be revolting people now, but with a little work I can turn a few into something worth working with. In particular, Naruto and Saucepan- I mean Sasuke."

"Who?"

Billy reached into the pockets of his robe and handed Berenstain a dossier full of documents. Photos were tacked to detailed reports, all of them proving how terminally autistic everyone in the village was. The bear nudged the dossier towards Billy.

"Keep it."

They progressed deeper and deeper into the forest, getting to the point where the foliage was so densely packed that they had to climb the trees and move via the branches. It was an extremely cumbersome form of movement and resulted in many close calls. They finally reached an overlook, a cliff well overhead the most populated regions of the village. If they had a chance of singling out their quarries, this was the place to do it.

Binoculars in hand, Billy Magnum scanned the settlement, searching for his target and occasionally cringing at the foul, **foul** miasma coming off of Brother Berenstain. Glints of light reflecting from the headbands of the ninjas only made it the more difficult to single out Naruto. Eventually, with his eyes speckled with dark patches, Billy Magnum stood up and pointed towards a ramen stand. "There, notice the spiky blond hair and the orange jacket. That's him, it's unmistakable."

"What will be our approach?" Brother Berenstain inquired.

"Stealth is not an option; we will be detected too easily. Nor can we fight our way to the target; we will lose him in the sheer amount of enemies. The best we can do is be nonchalant on approach, and then retreat quickly."

"Is lethal force allowed?"

"Preferably no, the less harm we do, the less drive they have to pursue us. But if there is a point where all other options are exhausted, I leave the decision to you."

"Let us begin."

"Not yet, you need to wash off."

A quick rinse of Brother Berenstain and several rinses in several ponds for the poncho later, and they entered the outer limits of the village. Simply put, they walked up to Naruto. Naruto was with his commander, an almost faceless man with gray, overly spiky hair known as Kakashi. His first comrade was a girl known as Sakura with pink hair as short as her temper and green eyes that hide a great anger in them. The second comrade was an effeminate man with a severe pallor known as Sai, who was short on words and even shorter on fashion sense. Goblin darts. Then Billy and Berenstain came. They walked up silent and stood still as stone in front of the group. The group paused, unsure what to think of the two strangers who had intruded on their conversation. Sakura simply stood ogling Berenstain's hard nips bleeding through the poncho.

Then, just as quickly as they approached, Billy pulled the HP out from the back of his waistband and smacked Naruto on the top of the head with great force; he went limp and fell in Berenstain's arms. Billy fired a single shot into the air and the nearby crowd dispersed, the duo made their hasty escape. They barreled down alleys, and in an attempt to lose their pursuers made a sharp turn down a thin alcove, smacking Naruto's head against the break and dragging his scalp along the brick as they ran. The group caught on and began to squeeze through after them, Billy fired a round over their heads and they ducked, falling onto each other and tangling on each other as they attempted to stand.

Billy Magnum casted a final shockwave to rid his pursuers once and for all and escaped into the surrounding wilderness. "I will cast a sleeping spell on Naruto. We must leave this place now, but we will return soon for Sasuke."

"Sleeping spell? You fucking bashed his head!"

"Close, I guess. But not as close as I would like. I do not know when he will awaken. With the sleeping spell, I can decide when he wakes up, and in what condition," Billy Magnum spoke the last part with a sinister undertone. "It matters not, we will need to go through the non-quarantined parts of Stanthemanistan in order to reach my home. I have a boat parked at a public dock in the capital city."

With that, the two traveled through the huge island nation to the capital city. Where a crowd gathered with every step they took as they made their way to the dock. Their stroll through the city would land them as a minor story on a national news channel, a major story on three local news channels, and as the main highlight on a fashion critique show. The police were called in three times, each time convinced that Naruto was merely black-out drunk and had lost a bet as well. Finally, after a long walk filled with embarrassment, anger, and an unexpected amount of approval, they arrived at the docks. A massive crowd had formed, a minority berated and laughed at them, while a majority waved goodbye and wished them good fortune. A deep fear took hold of Billy Magnum, it was at that point that he was scared that he might become a meme. Brother Berenstain, deeply tired, tossed off his human skin poncho, revealing his bare nipples. The crowd roared, and Berenstain realized the full extent of what he had done. They spoke nothing as they rode away.

As they relaxed on the boat, trying to forget the meme-crisis they had begun to face, a clang and the sound of several footsteps caught their attention. Billy snapped back to see what had produced the sounds, to see Kakashi, soaked on the deck of the boat. Billy stood up slowly, and paced his steps as he approached the man. Kakashi's hands were moving, snapping in and out of various signs so fast Billy could barely keep track of it. He was equally mesmerized and terrorized by the blur of Kakashi's hands, and in this terror his hands reached for his robe and drew the HP from the back of his waistband. He fired off three shots consecutively, and in rapid succession, and Kakashi fell stiff. He fell back and hit the deck with a thud. Billy stood, motionless, his knuckles white from gripping the handgun so tightly. Seconds passed and Billy began to calm down. "Is that seriously it? That's all? Really now. What the fuck." Billy slid the handgun back into his pants and pulled a fishing pole from the cabinet next to him. He cautiously poked at Kakashi, nudging his leg, arm and face. "I am deeply disappointed."

Berenstain rolled the body into the water and Magnum returned to driving the boat. "Berenstain."

"Yes?"

"We've committed war crimes today, haven't we?."

Brother Berenstain sat back in his seat. "Most likely."

Billy Magnum sighed. "Chaotic order Billy, chaotic order," he spoke to himself.

The boat arrived at a large atoll with an active volcano on the north side and an open lagoon. Billy Magnum docked the boat in a harbor carved into the side of the volcano facing the lagoon and disembarked. From there, they entered a large central lobby that was vacant of items. Billy Magnum led Brother Berenstain, with Naruto over his shoulders, through several levels of the facility and finally to Billy Magnum's personal office. Once more, it was strangely vacant. Only a desk and a transparent cabinet, half full, were caught by the eye. Through a window, the dim light of dusk sprinkled itself on the desk.

"Set Naruto on the table and do not interfere. The substances I will use are valued at several human lives, and require the ultimate range of my abilities and knowledge. Do you understand?"

"Vividly," Berenstain responded.

Billy Magnum nodded and began to sift through the drawers of his desk before he found a dusty brown shoebox labeled "Phlebotinum, Vis, and Magic Mutagens." Removing the lid, a vast array of substances registered with Billy Magnum and he placed some on the table. Magnum removed Naruto's shirt and looked over the seal on his belly. Nodding in understanding, more substances were placed on the table. Magnum inspected Naruto's head, noting anomalies in the shape of the skull, especially around the temples. For every new detail in the curvature of his head, Magnum would introduce a new substance. Only until the table resembled an illegal immigrant's shared apartment did Magnum cease his repetitive ritual. Noting the dying of the light, he resurrected the room with a radiant lamp.

Magnum pulled a massive cauldron, a _magnum_ cauldron, from the transparent cabinet and laid it on the floor in front of the desk. He noticed the door was open, and the faint sounds of what seemed to be the ambient noises of the forest mixed with the soothing voice of David Attenborough traveled through the hallway. He also heard, louder than the rest of the sounds, munching, and realized the fucker was raiding his fridge. Magnum shook his head and walked down the hallway into another room. From there, he retrieved several tables and ferried them into his volcano office. Then a few more rounds trips for equipment, both ancient magical apparatuses and cutting edge scientific innovations. Finally, one last trip for two burritos. One for Magnum to heat up and eat, and another for smacking Berenstain upside the head. Then Magnum went to work.

With the night sky in full view over the ocean, Magnum conducted a grand symphony of bubbling compounds for five near-eternal hours. Mixing, reducing, catalyzing, activating, and reacting all forms of solutions until it all came together in the cauldron. Power, pure and unstoppable, hummed from the cauldron in wavelengths that rattled Magnum's ears. A cyan glow spewed forth from the cauldron and enveloped the room in its magnificence. Matted with scraps of food, Berenstain awoke in his, or to be more accurate, Magnum's recliner to the humming of the cauldron impacting his chest. Intoxicated with melatonin, Berenstain walked to Magnum's office with little attempt to balance himself.

Positioning himself in the doorway of Magnum's office, Berenstain was staggered by the output of the cauldron. Without thought, Berenstain moved to pick up the limp body of Naruto. With Naruto in arm, Berenstain approached the cauldron. The humming became more focused and the cauldron produced shockwave after shockwave as the proximity of Naruto began the final reaction. After a great struggle, Berenstain threw Naruto into the cauldron.

Cyan mist flowed from the cauldron in great cascades and pushed all of the air out of the room. Yet it did not suffocate, it only welcomed. Shadows danced across the clouds of the mist and beckoned for emotion. Humming turned to melody, melody turned to coherent music. Like a white sky shining against a black city. The music changed, remixing itself to a greater complexity. The music rejected reality altogether and the walls of the room tore themselves down to reveal mountains of thought. The shadows danced faster and faster, until they were like television static in their chaotic movement. The static coalesced into figures. Color began to coat the figures and the mist faded away with reality. The figures became conceivable. They were faces of Naruto's psyche, and rapidly changed. Their expressions strained into inhuman caricatures, and then slowly dissolved until all conveyed lucidity. Then they spun, faster and closer around a nexus. The figures blurred, then turned back to static, and back to shadows as they pressed against the nexus.

But a beast of fire and rage arose from the nexus and vaporized the shadows into a jet black aura that formed a sphere around Billy Magnum and Brother Berenstain. The aura blocked all light so the beast was the only thing shining in the dark. The music lost its coherence and became a series of disconnected shrieks and other unpleasant noises, then recombining once more to a voice, growling with displeasure. The beast bore the blurred outline of a fox, but quickly morphed to that of a wolf. The outline exponentially gained resolution until all detail of the wolf could be perceived. The wolf's eyes peered into the soul of Billy Magnum, withdrawing its gaze, confused. Magnum stepped forward.

"Do you feel the thunder in your heart?" Magnum asked the wolf, eyes fixed on it, unmovable.

"You conjure a storm masked in white content. I see through it," the wolf responded.

"You delude yourself, the future screams for freedom. This goes beyond any agreement you have with your living prison. Your ignorance holds no sway in this," Billy Magnum spoke with an air of invincibility, "Begone now, demon, you will awake to our world, a world that is greater than anything you can fathom. Soon you will understand."

The wolf lunged towards Magnum and split into two great streams of fire that parted against his body. The fire forcefully mixed with the black aura and the music became coherent once more. But the music was like a warcry now; confident, prideful, and passionate. The aura/fire mixture ceased to be a sphere and the white light, pulsating now with discontent, once again overpowered the duo's senses. The burning shadows shaped back to a ring around the nexus. Pressing against it, the burning blackness molded into a human figure. The music dropped in pitch and the white sky fell to the ground. At the very last moment before reality returned, the figure split into two. One of the fire, and one of the shadows.

The abrupt return to reality was like someone hit Magnum with a shovel. The cyan mist still pervaded the air, but it had lost most of its radiance. Berenstain was still entranced by the visions he witnessed. Magnum saw two figures through the slowly dissipating mist; they followed him back to existence. The mist finally left the room, and the figures revealed themselves. One was Naruto, whiskerless and with no seal on his belly. He had been aged ahead to 25 years-old, and his body spared no expense in reflecting the strength he gained. His mind was filled with information about the world outside of his birthplace, each fact a counterargument to his preconceived notions of the planet.

The other figure was a massive, incredibly muscular man with a large beard. A scar ran against his right cheek and his eyes bore a great beady pupil with a blueish-white cornea that spanned the entirety of the eye. Magnum stood in awe, in all of his years he had never seen a transformation so fantastic. He caught his breath, while Berenstain was still in a state of awe.

"Who do you happen to be, swole figure?"

"I am the great demon Kurama, the nine-tailed fox. But I am fox no more. I am the wolf now. As such, I shall now be known as Tyrannus."

Billy placed his thumb under his chin, taking a moment to inspect the demon's new chiseled manifestation. "You look like a dingle to me."

"Excuse me?"

"I'm going to call you Dingle."

"No you shan't."

"Fuck you I shan't. Welcome to the team, Dingle."

"I never asked for this."

"The way I see it Dingle, this process was my doing, and you were reborn from my work. I might as well be your father, Dingle."

Naruto stepped forward, bewildered and angered. New ideas, ones he had never felt before, enveloped his mind. Dissonance was all that he could perceive at that moment in time.

"Who are you? Who the hell are you?" Naruto, unable to process his own thoughts bent over slightly, feeling queasy. He spun around the room, nearly losing balance, taking in the new environment he found himself within and completely unaware to the trickle of blood flowing from his reopened head wound. The rush of sensations, of thoughts, the stress on his neurons was too much to process and he fell to his knees. Dots of crimson appeared within the shadow of craned neck, and he was now aware of the wounds he had sustained.

"The fuck did you do to me?"

"I made you better," Billy Magnum spoke with an air of pride, "those demons of yours, no not that one, have been erased from your psyche. The damage to your body caused by the needless strain of the seal has been all but eliminated, in the most radical way possible." Billy Magnum directed his gaze towards Tyrannus/Dingle for a moment. "But you don't want to be here, I understand that. I have not enthralled you; your free will is intact. So I shall give you a choice."

"A choice? You don't look like a man of choice."

"I understand your frustration, and I apologize sincerely for the inconvenience. Also you smell like shit, whatever decision you make please make the decision of bathing afterwards."

"This is your idea of an inconvenience? Also the bear is the one who smells like shit, not me."

"So it is. No matter, I offer you two choices. The first one, I ferry you back to your home where you may continue… whatever it was that you were doing. The second one, you remain with me, and you witness the true extent of the world. These are your choices. So now, let us all shower, for I believe we are all guilty of smelling like goat crotch. There was something in the mist." Magnum silently cocked the hammer on his HP and slid it slowly out of the back of his pants.

Naruto thought deeply. He thought of what had happened in the village. All of that happiness, yet all of that suffering. Did he ever have a true friend? Of course he did, did he? He had a true friend, right? But he left. He left to see a greater world. He took the offer, the same one being offered now. Perhaps that friend was right. Naruto reached a conclusion.

"I choose to stay."

"Good, good." Billy uncocked the hammer of his HP and slid it back into his pants. "Logic is a new gift of yours. I'm glad you've utilized it so well, so far."

"Where is this place?" Naruto looked. Billy filled a pipe with a mysterious green-fluid, viscous and flowing and snapped his fingers. A miniscule flame appeared hovering above his finger and he allowed it to burn above the fluid. The fluid immediately bubbled and with each pop a wisp of sweet smelling vapor floated through the air. In a certain light, the vapor's colors shifted, revealing a full spectrum of colors blending within each other, and upon each exhale the vapor glowed a vibrant yellow. Billy let the substance takes its hold, closed his eyes and clenched his fist, when he opened them an aura of radiating magic shielded the entirety of his arm and with a swift wave it faded back into his skin.

"What is that shit?" Naruto caught a thin wispy cloud of the vapor in his mouth and held it in before coughing violently, his face turning a pale green as he gagged.

"Mania, basically packed mana in a gel form. Smoking it restores mana and helps boost magical capabilities."

"What the hell is mana?"

"Think of it this way, the calorie is a measurement that ends up being thought of as a substance. Mana isn't really a substance so to speak, Psionic Matter is the source of all magic abilities. Basically what Mana is is just a unit of measurement used to determine the potency of any magic you want to perform. It also makes you feel really good, but I do it for the magic. I'm not a man prone to hedonism, it's simply not worth my time," Billy Magnum spoke, the last bit of his statement mumbled through the pipe pressed between his teeth.

"Going back to my first question, where the hell are we?"

"We are on an atoll off the coast of western Stanthemanistan, in an abandoned military facility formerly owned by the Cheeseburger Republic. It was abandoned in a bid to improve relations with Stanthemanistan. The bid didn't work out. There is something I must ask of you. In about a week or so, we're returning to your homeland. We are going to acquire another person. Someone you're very familiar with. Sausage- I mean Sasuke. Until that time, I ask that you train yourself. I cannot guarantee that your abilities still exist in their known forms, so it is up to you to either rediscover them, or replace them. I'll set up your quarters in an hour."

Naruto climbed a series steps to a cold soulless section of the structure, steel surrounding him with a constant grey barrier, it brought with it an eerie claustrophobic sensation. He chose the most spacious room, which was still a longshot from being comfortable, adorned with only a peeling layer of red paint, a pair of bunk beds and some foot lockers. The room basically felt like something you'd see in the intro to a dirty German dungeon porno, smelt like it too. The dank chamber, like it or not, was his home now.

Naruto thought of chicken nuggets. He fucking loves chicken nuggets.


	2. Memories

Constant rain had rendered the trail almost impassible, the mud trying its hardest to suck their boots deeper into the soil. Billy pressed onwards, the squads movements parting the mud as their footsteps intertwined. Hot, sticky heat barreled down upon them. Humidity being nature's secondary weapon, mosquitos being its first, both completely lethal. Their objective was to investigate a native village built against the side of a small mountain that the natives often considered to be holy. Once a month, natives would herd up a small selection of their best cattle and guide them up a series of stone steps to cull them. They would paint the massive stone walls with the blood of the recently slayed creatures into murals dictating the deaths of gods. With only varying shades of red applied at different times to allow the colors to fade and compliment each other. The process would take days and a series of shoddy scaffolding that often led to a variety of horrible accidents. Out of all of these accidents, the death of Windu stood out. Tripping and falling off the edge, everyone around him was betting that due to the way that bamboo went right up his asshole, he must've had experience with many types of wood up there. Rest in peace.

They wished for the resurrection of the gods, for the return of order and unity to the world but they all knew they'd never get it. The process awarded them hope, and pleasant thoughts of a time long past and that enough was a reason to keep the tradition going. When the squad arrived, they had become caked in layers of mud and exhausted from the journey. The natives all eyed the men with with a mix of fear and contempt. The last time they were approached by foreign men the village elder prolapsed.

"Magnum, Czar, Ten-fold, time for some police action bullshit, search and clear and don't get too rough with the ladies. We get paid for every catch so if you can bag them for the slightest offense do it, makes my wallet fatter just like my dick and I'll appreciate it." Lieutenant Mold stopped by some children cowering near a small chicken pen, he pulled a pack of cigarettes from the band on his helmet. He pulled three cigarettes from the pack and held them between three of his knuckles. "Hey kiddies, any of you try one? I know you want one, little girl, come here and put this in your mouth. Where's your mother because I want to put something in her mouth too." He gripped the small child by the arm and smirked when she let out a yelp of pain. He forced her jaw open and inserted a cigarette between her lips. He pulled a fake magic trick and pulled a zippo out from behind his ear and with one swift moment flipped it and lit it.

"Hold that smoke in, savor that american flavor. Your mom will." He lit the cigarette and repeated the process with the two others.

Magnum searched a few huts, flipping beds and tearing up floors in search for any contraband. They found fuck all like usual, Czar got bored and lined up a few civilians against a wall. "Ten, ten my nigga come here."

Ten-fold appeared from a hut holding a series of jewelry clutched in his fist. "What?"

Czar took a long drag from his cigarette and blew a hot blast of smoke in an elderly woman's face. "Which one of these chink faggots looks like they'd bleed the most?" His Pittsburgh accent coupled with the cigarette between his teeth made his speech almost incomprehensible. Czar passed his cigarette to Ten-fold, who smoked it down to the butt in one drag and flicked it to the floor, the last dying embers crushed beneath his boot. He released the smoke slowly, and pointed towards a frail man who appeared to be in his mid thirties. Czar unbuttoned his shirt revealing a pair of brass knuckles on a chain. He tugged down and the necklace automatically unclasped itself. As soon as he saw the knuckles slide onto his hand, the man attempted to make a break for it but was caught by the back of his shirt collar. The beating that followed was severe.

Billy snuck his way up the stairs of the mountains. The massive murals stained the stone over generations, making it a constant crimson coupled with a series of complex designs. The designs were intricate, depicting massive battles, gods bleeding rivers and locked in brutal combat. He had to stop for a moment to appreciate it. He finally completed his ascension to the top of the mountain, the heat and increased altitude taking its toll on his muscles. Once inside he discovered the pure expanse of the temple that topped the mountain. Carved from the stone, completed with a series of pillars coupled with precisely flattened stone walls that could only be done using technology beyond the time of construction. Inside the temple was darkness and the scent of stale air. He snapped open a flare and was met with a wide open expanse within the temple, within the shadows the light didn't reach the walls. Then he took a few steps further and spotted a massive statue. A titanic idol isolated within the shadows resembling a lanky figure hunched, legs folded and his thin arms resting on his knees. His chest was featureless except for a pendant, resembling the sun or a large flower. It's face almost void of any definitive features. It's unsettling simplicity coupled with the suffocating darkness created a feeling of constant loneliness.

He explored the vast expanse of the chamber and exited with a knapsack full of artifacts. A series of phallus shaped figures carved from rhino horn, a vase full of mysterious white powder, and a series of runes with a long dead language dotting them. He descended the steps and was met by an elderly man so old that a rogue gust of wind would scatter him into dust. The dude was old as fuck. He could smuggle drugs through an airport via his skin flaps, dotted with liver spots that could be transplanted.

"Those do not belong to you! These artifacts are part of our culture, you cannot steal them!"

Magnum turned around, he rummaged through his pockets and pouches awkwardly with one hand in an effort to find his wallet. He finally found it and held it next to his head. "I have money, how much do you want?"

The Tribal Leader spit at his feet, "You cannot buy my culture."

Czar lit up another cigarette and leaned over towards Ten-fold and began mocking the man just loud enough for him to hear.

"You lowai fuck my daughter and rape my dog! I was going to fuck dog! Then cook it! Daughter too! Now what we use to paint murals! More cow? All cow dead! You fuck cow too! Fuckayoo! FUCKAYOO!" Czar and Ten-fold chuckled to each other, the villagers stood dazed and frightened. One man stood tense, his muscles imposed in fury only to be pulled back by several other men. Ten-fold noticed and fired a single round at the dirt in front of them, each man jumped backwards and nearly fell through the wall of a hut.

Magnum and man stood face to face, inches from each other. The man slapped the wallet out of Magnum's hand, and Magnum stood speechless. The man's head exploded, his flesh splattered across Magnum's face. Magnum felt the warmth of the corpse's flesh coupled with fire, standing horrified as he felt the acidic sensation of vomit slithering up his throat. He forced it back down. Magnum spun around to see Lieutenant Mold bent over, picking up the spent cartridge. He flicked the cartridge at Magnum and he instinctively caught it.

"Why? Why would you just shoot him like that, this isn't right. This just isn't fucking right Mold."

Lieutenant Mold skipped backwards and shot his arm forward, and his Zippo lighter slid out of his sleeve. He flicked it open, and held the open flame to the tops of bamboo huts. The flames caught quick and devoured the structure within minutes. The other men joined in.

"Billy you need to realise something, we're just a bunch of licensed thugs that they threw fucking money at. We're not even corporate whores like PMC contractors, we're free spirited douche bags sent overseas with a license to kill and I intend to use that at liberty. We can walk into a village, rape their children, family, animals, slaughter their fucking livestock and burn their homes into ash and still get. FUCKING. PAID. Paid in legit money moo-dollars." The fire grew, it's orange appendages licking inches from Lieutenant Mold's fatigues, yet he stood, still as a stone.

"If that isn't the most fucking radical job description you've heard in your entire life then you need to get your cunt turned into a proper wank-stick son. Say it with me now, best job you, and the whole lot of us, will ever have."

Magnum forced his lips to form the words. "Best job I will ever have."

"Ooh, oooohh I feel something coming, something's gonna blow!" Lieutenant Mold unleashed a massive fart, the fires stoked from the sudden blast of methane and the heat expanded. He pulled his ass back, lunging his hips forward and began spinning around. He transferred his movements into a pseudo-hula dance. He slapped the last dying flame off of his pants and hollered in synchronicity with Ten-fold and Czar. Their cackles drowned out the crackling of flames and the screams of fleeing villagers.

Billy awoke, soaked with sweat. His chest pained him more than a shotgun blast. He took a series of rapid breaths and sat up in his bed. He would have not liked to remember them, that group of long-deceased scumbags. Rays of light so fine they were like the cords of a harp rushed through the window, emphasizing the warm tastes of the bedroom. It was of a very typical layout. Smooth walls of oak painted over with a creamy shade of white, a man-sized mirror with bronze guildings, a lamp that was softly luminous mounted upon a grainy nightstand, a closet and wardrobe filled with a mage's sort of garments, and lastly a personal bathroom that opened to the right of the bed. He turned to the windowsill, where a trio of Sparrows sat staring in his direction. "Hey."

With that, the centermost sparrow unleashed a great tsunami of putrid, pearl white, non-newtonian shit that piled upon the windowsill with the viscosity of yogurt. Flopping down to the ground in great blobs, the semi-solid essence of pestilence unleashed a miasma that smelled deeply of carrion. The mass was so colossal that it climbed up halfway to the top of the closed window. "Punk motherfucka." The middle Sparrow said as its trio flew off into the horizon, leaving their ass-tastic pile of traumatization on the sill to drip onto the floor like a melting ice-cream cone.

"Love you guys too."

Magnum, deeply groggy, limped over to the bathroom and promptly tripped into the shower stall and bashed his head against the white tiling. A miniscule crack formed in the stall's wall, an event mirrored by Magnum's skull. With a shuddering groan, Billy Magnum attempted to stand again, but the semi-slippery surface of the shower would have none of it. Instead, Magnum's feet established a perfect position upon the surface of the stall for the layer of slime to slide against his feet. In the few milliseconds he had before he was airborne, Billy Magnum pushed against the shower surface in an attempt to stop himself. Instead, the force of the push launched him backwards across the bathroom and crashed him into the mirror above the sink. With shards of glass lodged in the back of his head, Magnum sought out a first-aid kit and a stiff drink.

Ruby droplets stained Magnum's trail as he journeyed, unwashed, into a sizeable lounge. The room was sectioned off into four areas: to Magnum's immediate right, a living room with a large flatscreen and several black leather sofas; to his immediate left, a medium-sized kitchen sectioned off once more by an understocked bar further east; and finally, further right to Magnum, two massive sliding glass doors in place of a wall, leading to a balcony overlooking the lagoon.

Resisting a deep urge to pull the glass shards out by hand, Magnum propelled his body forward in panicked motions to the grayed stone countertops of the kitchen. Ripping through the cabinets, Billy's spirit soared to unprecedented heights as he gripped his savior: a red first-aid kit. Allowing no time for thought, Magnum hysterically pulled shard after shard from his skull with a pair of tweezers. With eyes full of tears, Magnum produced a canister of bio-foam from the kit, a mixture of stem cells, proteins, and various activating enzymes. Magnum dug the thin nozzle of the canister into each of his wounds, overflowing each gash with the organic froth. Finally, with the pain dulled and the openings sealed, Magnum walked through the bar's door and grabbed a bottle of aged brandy from the shelves. Then he revealed a slightly dirty shot glass from beneath the bar's counter and poured liberally.

Magnum sank a glass of brandy and eyed his pet Hedgehog, Critical, scurrying across the floor.

"Hey Crit buddy."

"Your nipples remind me of the Taj Mahal, kill yourself." It continued to scurry into the next room.

"Thanks." Billy topped his glass off and downed another. He sat up and forced his muscles to cooperate, dragging his feet to the fridge to grab something to eat. Much to his dismay it was empty, he slowly shut the door and saw the sticky notes he had left over the course of four days.

Food's out get more

You stupid fuck get food

Lord Gilgamesh above remember food

You're going to fucking starve here

"Oh."

Billy suddenly felt like he was being watched and turned to see Naruto sitting on a stool at the bar, his expression as dull and tired as Billy's. "You uh, want some Coffee?" Naruto opened his jaw as to say yes but instead let it hang, releasing an extended yawn. He nodded instead. Billy began brewing a pot, pulling a vial of mana and letting a few miniscule droplet fall into the beans and soak within them.

"Are you putting magic shit in the coffee?"

"Yes, trust me."

They sat there as the coffee brewed, noticing that the fluid dripping into the pot reflected the light around it, radiating a plethora of colors before fading out into it's default black. When Billy went to pour the two mugs, a sweet scent bombarded Naruto's nostrils. He felt a buzz, more intense than coffee could ever provide. As Billy sat taking large gulps, almost completely unfazed by the scalding hot temperatures, he maintained eye contact with Naruto. Naruto took a sip, the flavor an equal mix bitter with a touch of citrus. Then he felt it. His heart began pumping at excessive rates, his skin broke into goose bumps and his breath cut. He felt the pressure in his lungs, the stale air pushing at the walls in an attempt to escape and Naruto granted them their wish, letting out an extended exhale. He felt his neurons process time at an odd rate, Billy seemed completely unaffected by the substance. "The fuck is in this?"

"My special concoction. It provides much needed stimulation to get you going in the morning. I, for one, can't live without it."

Naruto began to feel sick, the knot that had been in his stomach since he got here had been replaced with queasyness. In an attempt to find a restroom he blindly wandered down the maze of interlocking corridors. The hallways being identical, resulting in confusion in his travels. He continued his blind journey, and eventually gave up. He hunched up against a wall, his arms outstretched and his neck craned to the floor. The way that vomit fucking launched out, he could have broken the land speed record with his bile. He grunted, arm wrapped around his midsection. He realised that his grunt echoed yet the acoustics of the structure did not allow it to echo as much as it did. Once more the grunt was heard, yet he had stopped. The sound was coming from the vents. He continued down the hall to find a spiral staircase leading down into some dark forgotten sub-section of the base.

"There is no logical reason for me to descend down into the dark to investigate a strange noise alone." He whispered to himself. He leaned over the railing. "I'm high as all fuck right now."

He felt his palms slip, and instead of leaning back to avoid falling over, he leaned forward in a sudden brain fart and ended up falling over the railing itself. His fall was short, his back slamming hard into the cement below. If it weren't for how high he felt, the pure amount of shock would have kept him writhing in pain. He was able to push himself up, as soon as he erected himself he was face to face with a bearded head inches from his own. Before he was able to scream a hand was cupped over his mouth coupled with a powerful blow to his solar plexus. He hunched over and was struck on the side of his head. Still partially conscious, he was drug down the hall into the dark.

Naruto awoke in darkness once again. His attempts at movement futile, his breath constricted due to something tightly wrapped around his chest. Then within the blackness came a single amber spark. The singular spark's friends lit up as well, a jagged line of light slicing through the dark, intersecting with others of different tones and shades until the the walls and roof were covered with a medley of mixed neon colors. Within the center of the room was a pile of trash-bags, piled on top of each other to form a pseudo-throne wrapped with christmas lights for illumination. Naruto looked down at himself, he was bound with wires and wrapped with a trash bag that was duck-taped around his throat. The only movement he could manage was rolling. A bright ray of white light assaulted his vision, and then let off its vicious attack to allow Naruto to witness the perpetrator. At the top of the pile sat the bearded man. He was old, his grey mane and unkempt hair matted from years and years of neglect. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it, resting his chin on his fist to examine Naruto. "You look like a hipster dived head first into a swimming pool full of hair-gel. Seriously now with that spiky shit, you trying to go for weapons charges with hair like that?"

Naruto responded, "Fucking hell you stink."

The Hobo wound up a loogie and spat it onto the bag naruto was trapped within. "Kid you're in the middle of a hundred fucking trash bags. Everything stinks."

"No no, these trash bags are fucking roses compared to that miasma you're whipping up."

"I will fucking compact you."

Naruto rolled a bit, struggling some more before giving up and letting his head plop down on a trash bag behind him. "What the fuck do you want with me grey-beard. Is your old ass here to toy with me or is there something more constructive behind kidnapping me?"

The hobo lifted himself from his throne of filth and hopped from bag to bag until he was down on the ground. He stepped over Naruto and sat on his chest. "I've lived down here for six years and you're the first audacious little bastard to sneak down into the depths. I really should just shove you in the compactor and crush your pathetic self into a goddamn meat cube but I don't have that strong of a stomach and the screams would give me away. So instead I'll probably just cut you." He reached into the pocket of his bath robe and flicked the blade out of his folding buck knife. Naruto squirmed, imminent death approaching him, he realised there was nothing he could do and closed his eyes. Expecting his throat to be slit, the bag was instead cut open. The blade tore through the plastic and then proceeded to saw through the wire, coming inches from cutting his stomach open. Naruto didn't know how to feel. The hobo stood himself up and pulled a bag up to sit on. "Expect me to off you?"

Naruto pulled a bag up too. "Frankly, yes." Naruto scratched his nose and settled himself in his makeshift Bean-bag. "So, who the fuck are you?"

"I'm the mysterious hobo living in your trash room. It wouldn't be fun to reveal everything about myself right away would it?"

"No, I mean your name."

"Just call me Bum, you?"

"Naruto."

"Well, Naruto, I have a question for you."

"Alright, shoot."

"Would you like to know how to kill people?"

Naruto sat up from the bag, taken back by the sudden statement. "What?"

The hobo erected himself, untying the bath robe and tossing it aside to reveal a mess of scar tissues and ingrown hairs across a muscular chest. "I used to live for the scrap, live for the fight. I've lived down here for so long, itching for a good fight. I've got a possible participant, an equally matched opponent standing a mere five feet from me. Put 'em up."

Naruto threw his jacket aside and put up his guard. "You've asked for this gramps."

Naruto charged forward, flinging himself at the man. He propelled himself into the air, attempting a flying spinning kick into his temple, but Bum countered, catching his leg under his armpit. He twisted his torso and used his opposite arm to grip the back of Naruto's undershirt, tossing him across the room into a pile of trash bags. Once again they clashed, a flurry of blows from Bum's fists absorbed and redirected by Naruto's forearms, leaving him open. Naruto thrusted a single flat palm into the center of his chest and followed with a sweeping kick at his feet. The forward blow coupled with the kick caused him to jump in the air, landing on the top of his head then flopping chest first onto the cold steel floor.

"Not bad."

Bum stood tall, his nose flat and busted. Blood leaked from his compressed nostrils like a broken faucet, he ignored the pain and licked his upper lip. "Missed that taste."

Naruto ducked a swift blow from his opponent, following with a elbow to his ribs. Bum stumbled to the side, and hooked Naruto in the temple, stunning him then cracking his jaw with a strong uppercut. As a brutal finisher, Bum delivered a sternum-shattering side kick to Naruto's chest, once again launching him. He writhed on the floor in pain, unable to breathe. Bum lifted his limp body above his head and punted him to the floor like a football. The audible shattering of his shoulder echoed through the room. Naruto attempted to crawl away with one one arm but only made it a mere few inches before being dragged back by the legs. The old man flipped him over and stood beside him. "You done? Really?"

The Bum laughed and kicked naruto in the cheek. Then he felt it, a tap on his left shoulder. The old experienced street fighter turned around to see Billy cupping a visual distortion in the air, a small sphere resembling the air boiling in his hand. Before he could react Billy thrust the ball into his stomach and blasted him across the room. He flew like he was weightless into the wall behind him, smacking the metal hard enough to knock him unconscious. He bounced off the wall and slammed into the floor with an audible thump lingering in the form of an echo. Billy lifted Naruto up and placed him over his shoulder. "I'm still fucking conscious, Billy."

Billy dropped him, another audible crack was heard even over Naruto's pained scream. "Fuck nevermind pick me up." Billy lifted him like a sock monkey, tossing him back over his shoulder.

"I need to get you out of here. Something is not right with this man."

"How'd you find me?"

"I followed the sound of you getting your ass kicked."

As soon as Billy started running towards the exit, he heard it.

"Not done yet! Come on now Mister Sorcerer, trying to evade a good scrap, that's mighty unjust of you, honor me! Honor your equal opponent!"

Billy puzzled over the probability of someone surviving his attack, yet alone recovering from it so quickly. Something about this man was supernatural, or at least unnatural. There was only one way to probe this man's abilities and that was combat. Once again he dropped Naruto to the floor, Naruto cursing Billy and then rolling away behind a pile of trash. Billy engaged first, creating a thick shield of hardened mana around his skin to compensate for his lackluster hand to hand skills. They engaged in brutal combat, both opponents at an equal stand still during the fight. Five minutes in and Billy could sense his shielding chip, his opponent's fists raw, bloody and malformed from so many blows. With the shield Billy could feel the force behind his blows, bruising him under it. He could imagine how deadly it would have been without his magic precaution.

Billy was forced out of his own headspace by a finished blow to his armor, the bum had charged him down with a football tackle, knocking him to the floor. Billy slid a good two feet, and as he struggled to suck the air that had been stolen from him, he could see Bum approaching. "I'm not taking the risk, this is your last warning, stop or I'll end this."

Bum continued to approach, a smile on his face that almost seemed casual. This was all just fun and games to him.

"I warned you."

Billy drew his HP and gripped it with both his hands, placing his elbows on his knees to steady his aim. He cocked the hammer. Bum slowed his approach and halted when he heard the click. His smile faded. "Shit."

He pulled the trigger, a sudden burst of orange light illuminated a sphere around the two figures for a split second before one fell. He wasn't dead. Billy heard the round ricochet off his skull and ping around the room, witnessing the sparks as it bounced off the steel walls. The bum attempted to stand a few times. His arms gave out thrice under him before he was able to stand tall again, and he was fucking pissed. "Way to violate the sanctity of a good fight with that bullshit. Fighting dirty is one thing, weapons, well that just serves to piss me the fuck off."

Behind the man came a lurking shadow, beefy in stature. Then came the claw. Berenstain appeared from the shadows and delivered a swift swipe across the flesh of Bum's neck. He did not fall, and so the bear did not relent. He slashed his chest, thighs, arms and face. Even then Bum stood his ground, staring Berenstain down. His eye's locked on the fuzzy ball of Stalin-tier blood lust. Berenstain opened his maw, and engulfed Bum's head in his jaws. His clamped down his skull, and Billy could hear the crackling of bone, sinews snapping and skin tearing. Berenstain shook him around with his mouth, a single jerk and the sound of Bum's neck snapping heralded his death. He went limp, lifeless and was spat out onto the floor.

Berenstain helped Billy up, and the two stood over the fresh corpse. "What now. We can't just leave a corpse in the trash room."

The rolled the corpse up in plastic wrap, while walking it up the stairs Billy let his grip slip and dropped the body on his foot. Berenstain jumped when he heard Billy yell and let his grip slip as well. The corpse rolled down the stairs and continued rolling until it fell into the trash compactor. A beep heralded its activation and the gears began to turn, the metal clamps bearing down on the body. "Well shit that's going to be a pain to clean out."

They expected the body to be squished, popped like a grape under a boot. But the gears began to grind, sparks flew through the dark like fireflies. The grinding continued for a good five minutes before the gears gave out and the mechanism failed. The clamps had been bent as they attempted to crush the body.

"Billy, what sort of mutant have we got here?"

"Damned if I know, but I would like to. Let's investigate it, carry it up to the med bay. I need to see what is precisely so special about him."

After many failed attempts, the duo managed to haul the body through the complex to the medical bay. The ceiling rose low above the facility in an oval curve, mounted with flood lights like individual novas leaving no shadow to fester. The floor was a burning white, the white of Purgatory. The walls gave in to a more bluish refraction of light, but lost it as it turned to ceiling. In total, there were thirty beds, all with blue sheets, white pillows, and tan mattress covers. Multiple doors and windows hugged the walls, leading into more familiar rooms expected of a hospital. But one door stood out to Magnum; the morgue.

They both entered the morgue, Magnum's blood vessels immediately constricting. Every exhale was like a smokescreen in the dry, frigid air of the room. Flickering surgical lights hung over a row of grayed steel tables, with assortments of autopsy tools complimenting them on adjacent carts. A lump formed in Magnum's throat from the antioxidants being pumped into the room by a pair of dispersers. Berenstain felt no change in either temperature, or composition of the air. Because he was, after all, a fucking bear. The limp body of the hobo was gently placed, relatively speaking, on the first of the row. The duo existed the morgue and closed the door.

"I'll pick this up tomorrow. Where's Naruto?"

Berenstain displayed a face of severe concern and sprinted out of the medical bay, leaving a baffled Magnum to contemplate the situation. Berenstain zipped around corners, dived down staircases, and at one point literally ran through a wall in a race to recover Naruto. The panting lifeform of condensed fuckrage and indomitable murderlust reentered the garbage disposal room. The wicked, and possibly carcinogenic aroma of pestilent carrion and bacterial cocktails greeted Berenstain's olfactory receptors, which promptly disabled themselves in extreme trauma. With the miasma now unnoticeable, Berenstain sent bag after bag flying across the chamber in his rapid search for Naruto. Finally, with fur caked in unknown fluids, Berenstain locked eyes with Naruto's backside.

Naruto laid face down, drooling on a leaking pile of various junk within a grimy bag that had been gathering filth in the darkness for months. The shock had taken its toll and he was out cold. There he snored, as the flies feasted on the ooze sliding down his face. Berenstain fetched him, slinging him over his shoulder by the leg, his pant leg ripping straight off and his unconscious body soaring through the air and landing face first on the steel floor. The second attempt worked, albeit he still had a broken face.

"Shit."

Whilst Berenstain bent over to pick up naruto's teeth left scattered on the floor, Naruto slid down his back and ended up with his nose planted firmly between the Bear's asscheeks. Berenstain felt it, and pile drove naruto into the floor. Berenstain shivered.

"FUCK! OH THAT FELT WEIRD HOLY SHIT."

Naruto was now in significantly worse shape than he was before. Berenstain cringed at the premise of explaining it to Billy. He carried the battered boy up the steps and slapped him down on the medical table. Billy entered and moved to check on Naruto.

"Gilgamesh lord almighty, what the dick-tingling FUCK did you do?" Magnum said, even the most oblivious man capable of noticing his outrage.

"He fell," Berenstain responded abruptly.

"He fell?"

"He fell."

Berenstain jogged out of the room. Billy applied a brace and a cast for his broken shoulder and dislocated Elbow and let him sleep for the night.

Naruto awoke, his eyes adjusting to the minimal lighting within the medical bay. A few blinking red lights and fluorescent tubes kept the room's visibility up. He slid around on the worn padding, serving no real use anymore. As he shifted around, he heard a series of bumps. He froze, eyeing the morgue's doorway. More bumps, he squinted as hard as he could to make out any visible figures. A silhouette arises, the slight outline of broad shoulders and craned neck poking up from behind a desk. It rose, Naruto held his breath. It approached at a sluggish pace, and Naruto tried his hardest not to make a sound.

The figure's features were now visible, Bum stood tall and moderately unscathed. A set of new scars adorning his already scarred face. "Hey. My neck hurts, there any painkillers in here?"

He searched every cabinet before he found half-empty bottle of morphine, he pulled a syringe from the waste disposal bin and filled it, tapping the needle and then jabbing it into his upper arm. The needle bent, only penetrating a thin layer of skin. Agitated, Bum crushed the syringe in his fist and let the liquid drip to the floor. "Fuck it."

He cracked his knuckles. "Let me just give you a taste of what I'm feeling right now."

The lights flicked on, nearly blinding both Naruto and Bum. Tyrannus and Billy jumped on Bum, both striking him with all they've got. Tyrannus wrapped Bum with a spool of wire he had in one hand. Bum struggled but his efforts were in vain. Billy forced a few tablets into his mouth, potent anesthetics which took effect within minutes. "Alright, take him to the brig," Magnum commanded Bum's limp body twitched a bit as they carried to out of the room.

Naruto let his head flop back down onto the pillow. "I really need to jerk off."

Billy studied Bum for the next few days, keeping him drugged on a constant cocktail of anesthetics and painkillers.

"Is there any explanation thus far?" Tyrannus asked as he stood over Magnum's shoulder.

Magnum was busy stitching Bum back up. "His skin broke four scalpels, I had to custom order titanium-steel ones from a shady chinese peddler who lives in an alley behind a hospital. He doesn't bleed half as much as the normal man and his wounds close and seal themselves over a period of hours." Billy stopped stitching. "Which probably means I don't have to sew him up. Damn, wish I had thought of that earlier

"Interesting, but what's the explanation for his abilities?" Tyrannus inquired.

Billy slipped off his latex gloves. "Don't know, and I probably never will. It's almost as if someone forgot to write an explanation."


End file.
